When Feedback Backfires - CodeMash 2026
- kundlasarah
- 5 days ago
- 3 min read
ATTENDED MY CODEMASH SESSION? CLICK BELOW TO DOWNLOAD THE CRAFT FRAMEWORK PDF:
"We need to talk."
What's your first reaction when someone says that to you? If you're like most people, you brace for impact. You start running through what you might have done wrong.
"I have some feedback for you" often triggers the same response, even when it's coming from someone who genuinely wants to help you grow.
I’m finalizing my session on this topic to deliver at CodeMash next week (two of my session submissions were selected for this conference, which means double the prep work on my end - feeling both grateful and excited for it).
While I’m rehearsing my slides, I’m considering why this particular topic was selected in the first place. Why does there always seem to be a need for better feedback training?
The Connection Between Feedback and Psychology
Gallup research shows that employees who receive meaningful feedback are nearly four times more likely to be engaged at work. Yet the pattern I’ve heard from countless managers over the years is: "I know I need to address this, but I’m not sure how to do it in a way that doesn’t make things worse.”
So, they wait. Or they finally deliver the feedback and watch it unravel in ways they didn't anticipate. It's not that managers don't have the skills to deliver effective feedback. It's that most feedback approaches ignore basic human psychology.
When you sit someone down for "feedback," their brain doesn't hear "opportunity for growth." It hears a threat. Rational thinking decreases. Add the relationship history on top of this, and what do you get? (Hint: if you only call out your employee when there's a problem, even the softest words won't land because the relationship foundation is poor.)
A Better Approach to Feedback Conversations
The framework you use for delivering feedback to others should work with human psychology instead of against it. That's why I developed CRAFT. It's designed specifically to minimize defensive triggers while still delivering clear, honest feedback:
C - Context Clarity: Set up the conversation to reduce threat response. Follow the 30-second rule by stating your clear intentions early on. Consider the environment, framing, and purpose of the conversation.
R - Relate to Their Reality: Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective first. Avoid leading questions. (It’s difficult to influence someone whose perspective you don't understand.)
A - Anchor to Specifics: Use clear messaging. Be concise, use neutral language, and highlight quantifiable behaviors:
"You need to communicate better" is useless.
"In yesterday's stand-up, when Maria suggested an alternative, you cut her off before she finished" is actionable.
F - Frame Forward: Use collaborative language to encourage growth: highlight the behavior, impact, and future state you’d like to see.
T - Tailor to Type: Adjust frequency and style of delivery based on their preferred communication style. What works for the high performer on your team might backfire with your more sensitive employee.
Check out Gallup CliftonStrengths34's approach if you're needing a framework for this - or send me a note if you want to learn more, as this framework is one of my specialties as a certified trainer.
Back to the CRAFT model: when you're using this approach, it's not just about delivering "your side" of the message. It's about creating the conditions where someone can actually hear you during this kind of conversation.
The AI Component
Here's something new I’ll be sharing at CodeMash: leveraging AI to get better results from your feedback conversations. Using your LLM of choice, the right prompts can help you remove bias from your approach, predict where your language might trigger defensiveness, and role play as the difficult personality so you can practice handling objections.
[If you attended my session at CodeMash, download this PDF at the top of this post. If you're reading this before CodeMash, bookmark this page!]
What's Coming Next
My goal for next week is simple: give people a practical framework they can apply immediately and the courage to stop avoiding hard conversations.
If you're at CodeMash and want to chat about feedback or leadership development, let's connect. If you're not attending the conference but this topic resonates, reach out on LinkedIn.
What it comes down to: the people on your team deserve feedback that helps them grow. And you deserve a framework that actually works.
What's keeping you from having that conversation?
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